All my life, especially within the last few years, I’ve struggled with getting older. More specifically, I’ve been terrified and anxious about turning 29. The reason is because my mom was 29 years old when she passed away. She suffered from migraines, which were masking the real problem: an aneurysm, which took her life. The toughest part of my anxiety & fears was that all of this anxiety & fear caused me to have migraines. The migraines led to even more anxiety. It has been an unfortunate cycle that was extremely tough to break away from. With the help from my husband, my friends, my mother in law, and my psychiatrist, I’ve been able to keep my anxiety under control and I’ve been able to tell myself that I’m my own person and, just because this unfortunate tragedy happened to my mom, that doesn’t mean my fate will be the same. It’s still really hard for me; I still have those fears in the back of my mind and, when I start to really think about those fears, I can feel migraines trying to creep back into my life.
Just the other day, I started thinking about my 30th birthday and, while most people my age are worried about turning 30, I’m embracing it with open arms. I can’t wait. It may seem strange or nonsensical but, in my mind, it’ll be like I’m “beating” her fate. I’m proving to myself that it can be different for me. It WILL be different.
I looked at the calendar today. My mom died a little less than 5 months after her 29th birthday. Tomorrow will mark 5 months after my 29th birthday. And I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. It makes me weep. I now realize I’ve done so much worrying and have had so much fear my whole life just because I assumed that my life will just be a repeat of hers. I know that the fact that I “beat” her fate does not guarantee a long life for myself and, while my fate doesn’t necessarily match hers, anything can happen to me at any time. But I can be assured now that I have my own fate. My life is my own. I know those lifelong fears I’ve had won’t just disappear now. But I will keep reminding myself that I need to live my life to its fullest and will need to embrace my very own fate because that’s what she would’ve wanted for me.